How To Deal With Jealousy

Posted on July 22nd, 2014 by kimanzi constable

Before I get into the post… In addition to the Huffington Post I’m very honored to be a contributing writer for the Good Men ProjectTheir website gets 2 million visitors a week and they’re doing some incredible work helping men. Here is my first article for them. Shares, comments and likes are greatly appreciated!

Have you ever read a social media status update by a friend or someone you know talking about something great they did or that happened to them? You’re happy for them and what they accomplished but there’s something gnawing deep inside you.

Maybe only to yourself you think “why couldn’t that be me?” Why aren’t you the one that landed that guest post? Why10295699_619637361455038_8421978434653785327_n aren’t you the one that got accepted to speak at that conference? Why don’t you have a “freedom date?”

I’ve accomplished a lot in this last year. I’ve lost 160 pounds, I’ve moved from Wisconsin to Maui, Hawaii. I’m fully supported by my writing, speaking, and coaching. Even still I see these updates and I get jealous.

My pride reads a guest post on a blog I want to guest post on and says “I write better than that person.” I get that rejection email from a conference a friend gets chosen for and I get jealous.

Jealousy is a part of our human nature and I’m guessing you’ve been there too. We want to be happy when people do amazing things but we want it to be us. We might even want that attention.

Jealousy may be human nature but that doesn’t mean it’s right or healthy. Click to Tweet

There’s a line you don’t want to cross and there are ways to deal with jealousy when it arises. Jealousy can eat away at you and keep you from making progress with your dream. Here’s how you deal with jealousy.

Step away from the situation

In that moment when the jealousy hits walk away. Turn your phone, computer, and tablet off and breathe. If you sit and think and keep reading or thinking you’re going to let the jealousy build up and become a monster.

Turn on some music, go talk to a spouse, but step away and express what you’re felling. Don’t hold it inside and let it foster. Get real with your feelings and yourself.

If you’re jealous that’s natural so don’t be ashamed to admit it to yourself or someone else. Verbalizing those feelings and acknowledging them will help you heal. Really analyze why you’re jealous. Maybe it’s because there’s something you know you need to work on.

Take the focus off yourself

Jealousy may be there but if it’s strong it’s because you’re too focused on yourself. You’re probably reading this because you’re involved in this whole online world. It’s easy to get jealous online.

You see some A-Lister doing amazing things and you get frustrated and jealous because your online business isn’t taking off. Realize why they’re doing what they do and most of the time it’s to help people (there are some bad apples).

Don’t focus on their success or compare what they’re doing to what you’re doing. Instead, focus on those you’re serving and how you’re helping them. Focus on helping them get through those difficult situations.

This shouldn’t be about you. If this is about your pride or ego you’re destined to fail. The ones that succeed online are those that come from a place of service. It’s hard but when you focus on others you’ll get to where those A-Listers are.

Be grateful for what you have

I did a webinar with my friend Jimmy and something he said opened my eyes. He talked about a new car his wife got.  It was a car that he had never heard of. As soon as his wife started driving it he looked around and started seeing this car everywhere.

It’s not that those cars were never there. Once his wife got one his eyes were opened to what’s around him. That’s how it is with gratitude in our lives. We don’t see all the things around us that we should be grateful for until our eyes are opened. Jimmy said he wakes up every day and before his foot hits the ground he thinks of three things he’s grateful for.

I started doing that after hearing him talk about this. Every morning I think about three specific things I’m grateful for. Doing this has opened my eyes to all the amazing things in my life that I have to be grateful for.

If you just listed one thing a day your eyes would be opened and your attitude would change from being jealous to being grateful. Instead of being jealous your friend got that guest post you would be grateful you have a friend that writes that well.

You would be grateful for the day and age we live in where we can make a living online. We live in a time where social media and things like self-publishing open avenues that weren’t open before.

Learn to choose gratitude over jealousy and your life will never be the same. Click to Tweet

In the end this online stuff isn’t about you or the money. It’s about helping people get through rough times. It’s about making an impact in the world. Don’t get jealous or let jealousy win.

This week when you see one of those updates, step away, say one thing you’re grateful for, and come back and smile. You’re truly blessed!

Have you ever been jealous of what someone else is doing online? Be honest :)

  • http://www.lincolnparks.com/ Lincoln Parks

    I suffer from this alot but its only because we are inward focused. When we want the focus to be squarely on us and not on anyone else we tend to have these feelings. I think its all a one up type thing and in a world of instant gratification we expect to have all the praise. When I find myself going down this road I remind myself of how Jesus pushed other people up and did not push himself up. If we have to push ourselves up we look desperate. Lets let others do that for us. And if nobody is doing it, its because you’re not doing it enough for others. Great post!

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      We constantly have to remind ourselves this isn’t about us!

  • http://zechariahnewman.com/ Zechariah Newman

    Great post Kimanzi! Yes like everyone I struggle with this as well. Like Lincoln says I find I am inward focused. Also that I am reacting to life with a poverty mentality instead of one of abundance.

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      You’re doing great work sir.

  • http://www.jonstallings.com/ Jon Stallings

    Jealousy seems to always be there – It is like the very old (and now very cliche’) “The grass is greener on the other side” – It is so easy to fall into the trap of chasing the next big thing. I know for me I have to be thankful for what I have and remind myself life is not just about me. Life is better when I focus on how I can encourage others.

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      You said it better than I did Jon!

  • http://www.liveitforward.com/ Kent Julian

    Kimanzi…great post. So honest and authentic.

    I’ll be honest. Here’s my story:

    I was fortunate to realize how much of a jerk I was early in my life. I was leading a Young Life club in my early 20s and was jealous of another leader who was a better speaker than I was. I actually tried to sabotage his success.

    Long story short…I felt really convicted. So much so that I explained to him what I was feeling and asked for his forgiveness. Very humbling.

    Fast forward…it’s as if that act freed me from jealousy. Since then, it’s been much easier to deal with jealousy. It still comes up from time to time, but I recognize it quickly and confront it for the lie that it it. Even more, I cheer others on! I know their success doesn’t keep me from being success. The pie is big enough for all of us to succeed.

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      Thank you so much for opening up Kent. That is a real life example I know many will relate to and learn from. It makes me sit back and make sure I’m not doing the same thing to anyone in my life (not that I know of).

  • http://www.paulsohn.org/ Paul Sohn

    Jealousy is like a virus. It spreads very quickly and hard to stop. The best thing is to replace jealousy with a genuine sense of gratitude. Thanks Kimanzi for reminding us!

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      Very good way to deal with it Paul. You are very wise sir.

  • http://www.thedailyretort.com/ TorConstantino

    Great reminder my friend – awesome insights!

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      Thanks Tor :)

  • http://www.allandubon.com/ Allan Dubon

    Looks like you and I were having similar thought processes! It was when I went looking for your book that I got my idea for the blog post called Haters. http://AllanDubon.com/haters where I feature you!

    Too many people want to focus on aggrandizing themselves, and don’t realize that the best leaders promote others! Just like you say in one of the segments above

    “Take the focus off yourself

    Jealousy may be there but if it’s strong it’s because you’re too focused on yourself. You’re probably reading this because you’re involved in this whole online world. It’s easy to get jealous online.”

    Thanks for such great content my friend!

    • http://kimanziconstable.com/ kimanzi constable

      Thanks for that shoutout in the post Allan, it’s sad that it had to go there but I get let anyone insult what I believe :)